Not long ago we mentioned that we signed some of our kids up for soccer. I told one of my single, childless friends this and said, “Apparently I’m a soccer mom now” to which she replied, “Hmmm, how cliche.” (sigh) Truly it is, and I typically strive to stay away from mommy stereotypes. What I did not expect was the extent to which I would grow to enjoy my cliche. Saturday morning before the games I’m continually trying to get Grace pumped up and flooding her with soccer tidbits from my wide array of soccer knowledge…ok, fine, I know close to nothing about soccer, but it doesn’t stop me from passing on my advice anyways. “Don’t kick the ball too far in from of you when you’re running down the field with it” “When you’re playing goalie, you need to pay think about guarding you goal the whole time, not just when they are right in front of you” “Don’t be afraid to get in there and steal the ball when the other team has it”. When we’re at the games we, the parents, are truly entertained. At times, the kids are hilarious, but also surprise us with a certain amount of skill. We really get into it. Everybody wants their child to be a winner, including Lyn and I, and we make it known, although sometimes we later hope we were the only ones to hear certain comments. I may have mentioned something about not being afraid to throw elbows and Lyn might have used the term sweep the leg to which I replied, “Isn’t that from Karate Kid?” “Yes, but it can apply to this too,” she said, and she’s certainly not wrong. Overall we are enjoying soccer quite a bit; it’s yet another reason for us to hang out together and the entertainment the kids are providing us with is priceless. I’ll wear my soccer mom title proudly from now on!
So fellow At Wits End moms, Christy, Jen & I, decided to put our older kids in soccer recently…it always sounds good during registration, not so much when you are on the sidelines freezing to death (for the love of God, Spring, where are you)! Jen’s daughter Mary ended up on a separate team, which right away decided on a team name, but Christy’s daughter Grace & my son Andy ended up on the same team, and it wasn’t until the end of the first week of practice that they finally huddled together to vote on a team name. It came down to two candidates: The Gray Wolves or The Gray Vampires. Now, I’m a big believer in giving the benefit of the doubt (I don’t practice it, but I believe in it…that’s a start, right), but this is a group of 6-year-old boys and girls, and Halloween was SO five months ago. I even asked Andy what he thought a vampire was, and he said: “It’s a scary guy that has sharp teeth & likes to trick-or-treat.” Thank you, Honey…I would have also accepted, “A perfectly sculpted, knight in glittery armor that can bite a chunk out of headboard while still satisfying a woman,” as a correct answer as well! So you gotta ask yourself: Where did they come up with these mascots?
The answer is, from a Twi-Mom, of course. We know this because we are ones ourselves, and we know enough about the Twilight series to know that these two very different creatures are not typically paired up like PB & J (or should I say, oil & water) like they have been most recently in Stephanie Meyer’s beloved saga. Even our hubbies knew enough about the books to immediately suspect that we were the ones that “encouraged” the kids to go this route (it was a very crafty, awesome idea that unfortunately we can take zero credit for legally)! But let’s face it, someone did “get to” the kids…there is another Twi-Mom among us! They are not easy to spot, but fortunately they are extremely easy to expose. Just make a loud statement, such as, “Is it too much to ask for a man that can love with all his soul like Edward, and have the warm, tanned, ripped body of wet Jacob?” and they will identify themselves immediately & within an instant, friendships are born! I kid you not….at least 15% of my friends are due solely to the common bond of Twilight…but some of those are not so much friend-friends, as they are Facebook-friends, which can be quite different!
And as fun as it is to meet fellow Twi-Moms, we are cautious to openly acknowledge who we are…we must be on Volturi-like guard or risk a possible opposite effect if there is the elusive “Twi-hater” among the group. Otherwise an instantaneous arch-nemesis is forged, and that is not easily undone (ya know, if we want to have a peaceful co-existence during our child’s soccer season)! If you are indeed a Twi-hater and want everything out in the open, just make an equally powerful statement, such as “Edward’s just a gay stalker and Jacob is a steroid-filled cry baby,” and the Twi-Moms will immediately “out” ourselves in protest. Great, I’m giving tips to the dark side…I may lose my membership (and the awesome life-size cardboard cut-out of Robert Pattinson I got with sign up)! And as for you “Twi-Nons” who, like sequestered jury members, are clueless to any of my above references, just make a statement like: “I’m Switzerland” and you won’t have to pick sides or make alliances (but you will be continuously bombarded by recruits from each party, so proceed at your own risk)! Maybe one day we will live in a world without labels, where believing in something doesn’t immediately categorize you into a group or persona that may or may not represent who you really are… and if that world happens to have hunky, granite-hard immortals with hearts of gold and shirt-less, Quileute-licous hotties with killer six-packs…well, all the better!
Oh, and as a side note, Christy & I are officially soccer moms of The Gray Vampires…that’s Team Edward for short, Baby:)